'What do they really think of me in that office'. As far as work goes I generally avoid the office as much as possible and stick to my door to door jobs as I find certain characters socially intimidating and I'm often very aware that I may come across as awkward and slightly strange. I've had my moments in the past few years where I've got myself in a state and overreacted to certain work situations that have arisen. Whether I'm just seen as a loose cannon now I'm not sure but I am sure I'm not very well thought of by many both socially and professionally. Of course there's a few nice folks that I get on with on a 1 to 1 but as I don't socialise with anyone much these days, especially the work lot I'm restricted to the occasional friendly phone conversation.
When it comes to my actual day to day job I have no problem being friendly, jokey and smiley with the people I meet. It's my favourite part of the job if I'm honest. With the exception of a grumpy and/or tetchy minority most people I meet on a daily basis range from pleasant, lovely, funny, sweet and just generally nice. If I can bring a smile while I'm in their house by a friendly chat or a funny comment then I'm happy. I'm hoping it's mutually beneficial.
I feel bad wondering if my personality defects could be anything to do with my parents although saying that these days I try to have as little to do with my family as possible. Mum & sister are very theatrical and to my mind overly fake at times and I just cant handle being around them. Mum and Dad also constantly bicker about stupid things and did so all the way through my teenage years. Its not a nice environment to be in which is why I stay away.
To her credit my Mum helped a lot when I was going through college and worked a part time job to pay for my upkeep. It was a fantastic thing to do and I'll forever be grateful to her for that but unfortunately I'll also never be allowed to forget it. I left college 15 years ago and in the years following I have done numerous things for her and Dad that they're unable or unwilling to do including a new kitchen, repairs to their old boiler & radiator repairs, new shower, kitchen sink unblocked blah blah etc etc. Just simple stuff that adult kids do for their parents but still years on whenever she wants anything doing it's used as a blackmailing tool and it's left me with a reluctance to accept any kind of help off her or Dad as it will be used by her against me in the future. She mentions her and Dad's will every now and again but I'm really so close to telling her to give everything to my sister so I don't feel beholden to her constantly. I try to avoid her as much as possible these days. Sad but true.
Maybe I have a character defect that nobody has ever directly challenged or diagnosed. My wife Clare, bless her heart, has done some work in social care over the years and picked up on this while I was going through a really dark depressive phase a couple of years ago. I was signed off work for 6-8 weeks with anxiety and depression, felt so low and didn't know what to do with myself. I never hit a suicidal patch although the thoughts have crossed my mind on and off through my late teens and throughout my 20s and early 30s.
When I was signed off for a second time my doctor discussed the possibility of medication. For quite a while this worried me as I felt weak having to rely on tablets to stay sane as it were, and also worried that I'd get hooked on them or use them as a crutch. She explained that depression is a mental illness and it can be treated in the same way as you'd take a paracetamol for a headache or insulin for diabetes. It's replacing a missing chemical in the brain that causes the depression and in my case on the whole it has worked. I still have my moods but nothing like before and I find it so much easier to be positive about life. It's not only helped me but also the two wonderful people who choose to put up with me. I love you both and am so proud of you.
When it comes to emotional problems I either get angry or run away from it if I can. I'm not a fighter and never have been. I attribute that to my years being bullied where I never stood up for myself or fought back. I'd sooner try to escape. Even holding a black belt in Taekwondo failed to change that part of me. Yes I am a black belt but I've never had a real fight in my life and I reckon I would probably freeze or run for it if I was faced with it. I'd like to think I'd go into auto pilot but who knows really. At least it made me flexible.
Clare thinks I may be borderline Aspergers. When she mentioned this first time I reacted the way I react to most things at first. Quite calmly and accepting. That's what I do until I've had a chance to think about them a bit, then I start over-thinking them and the worrying starts. I took an online Aspergers test and although it was close I fell into the mild category. The main thing that worried me about this was my job. Aspergers falls under the Autism umbrella and it has a real stigma attached. What if work noticed it and decided I was unfit for work etc? If I lost my job and couldn't earn we'd lose everything we've worked so hard for. It's something that's always in the back of my mind and is probably part of the reason I stay out of the office so much. If they don't know me too well they can't notice right? Hmm!
Aside from Clare & Jake who are a real positive asset in my life, my Twitter group is a source of constant giggles, laughs and even therapy. At first I started following all sorts of people but after a while I started to weed out the negative types and attention seekers. I suppose in a way on there I'm also an attention seeker but I try to be as nice as I possibly can be to people and I like to think it's gotten me a lovely group of followers that I enjoy talking to on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. We all like a good moan occasionally, I like to post what in doing, if I think something is funny, random silly thoughts and if I can make someone laugh in any way I will. It's fun.
Clare has a motto that fits really well into most life situations.
'It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.'
I prefer nice, I'll never be important as some people see it but we're all important to somebody. I hope I am. :)
